SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange
juice box because it said concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she
wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of
WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for intelligence,
you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her
out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she
put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it
says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have
nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare
center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not
admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur
around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone
Company.
19.
When she
was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left,
she turned around and went home.
Great Truths
About Life That Little Children Have Learned
* No matter how
hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
* When your mom
is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
* If your sister
hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
* Never ask your
3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
* You can't
trust dogs to watch your food.
* Reading what
people write on desks can teach you a lot.
* Don't sneeze
when someone is cutting your hair.
* Puppies still
have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
* Never hold a
dust buster and a cat at the same time.
* School lunches
stick to the wall.
* You can't hide
a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
* Don't wear
polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
* The best place
to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.
Great Truths
About Life That Adults Have Learned
* Raising
teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.
* There is
always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here
thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
* Reason to
smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.
* The best way
to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the
air out of their tires.
* Carsickness is
the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
* Today's mighty
oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
* Laughing
helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
* Middle age is
when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
* My mind not
only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* The more you
complain, the longer God lets you live.
* One day I
shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
* If you can
remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
* Eat a live
toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest
of the day!
* You know
you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you
can do while you're down there.
* Life's golden
age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow
the family car.
HOW TO MAINTAIN
A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE...
1) Page yourself
over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out
where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after
your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different
gender than you.
3) Make up
nicknames for all your coworkers and refer o them only by these names.
"That's a good point, Sparky." " No I'm sorry, but I'm going to
have to disagree with you there Cha-cha.
4) Send e-mail
to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example:
"If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your
shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6) While sitting
at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7) Hang mosquito
netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or
whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8) Put a chair
facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your
document.
9) Every time
someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with
that.
10) Send e-mail
back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward
the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage
your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12) Put your
trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13) Feign an
unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail
messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When
people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your
stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in
the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine
addiction, switch to espresso.