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20 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be
"meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental
illness"
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories
decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that
individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. If anybody
cares how you dance, feel sorry for them. They need to get a life and learn how
to have fun. And notice that people who dance and cut loose once in a while,
usually live longer.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Don't think that because a person is having fun, they are drinking to
excess. Some people have fun naturally given the moment and you need to
find out how they do it.
20. Your friends love you anyway.
Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic